Well, Happy Valentines Day, or as Hannah says "Happy Singles Awareness Day". Gotta love that, lol.
Now rewind past the 11th year and it did torment me to be single. Oh why oh why didn't someone want to be with me? Where was my true love, my soulmate (yes I'm gagging as I write that word)? "Won't anybody find me somebody to love?"
Fast forward...I'm not dwelling on it, I'm going to work! Hope your day is filling with lots of love and chocolate!
Ciao! De ;)
Okay, so here is my first entry since I've gone private. Took me a while, I know. I get in my "hermit" mode (as I'm fond of saying) when the times get tough. I withdraw and hunker down, protect myself and my own.
It's been rough. I never thought I would be in this position again. When I married David I thought I had found my soulmate. Now I hate that very word. Don't think I'm made for marriage, 0 for 2, men are not on my radar (with the exception of Johnny Depp--right Betty?), I'm never getting married again, etc. I've been saying. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still believe in the foundation of marriage, but I certainly don't think I'm going to be competing with Liz Taylor to find "the right one". I think I'll just live my days with a "friend" like Jackie O...as long as he's rich. I've married for love twice, next time I'm with someone it's going to be for money, lol.
So, D-day was Oct 29th. It was a catastrophic event, that had it not happened, I would probably still be in an emotionally abusive marriage (and at times physical). I think I cursed every breath that David could possibly take from here to eternity and then some. Now I am thanking God I am out of this marriage. I can see daylight, breath the fresh air. I don't feel suffocated, closed in, confined, trapped, hopeless anymore. But I'm scared of what the future holds. I blame David for that one.
I've never been one to totally depend on another person to take care of me, so it really surprises me that I allowed David to have such control of me thatI would doubt myself and my ability to take care of my family. I work hard and I make pretty decent money. I can do this. I will do this!
So, as the song says, "woman how long will you weep?" Not long I say, not long at all!
"I'm not spending no more time Wasted..."
Back in October, David and I got separated after 9 1/2 years of marriage. Some felt total and complete shock, but those who knew me best weren't so surprised. I haven't really written anything here in my journal because, frankly, HE can read it...that is unless I go private, which is what I intend to do. Not that I plan on spilling all the details, but hey, it's my journal and I want to feel as though I can write freely and openly. That is what these things are for, right?
So to those of you who have never been through a separation or a divorce, it's not easy. Never. Not from the moment you make the decision to the very last second. It's never, ever easy no matter how much turmoil is in your marriage, or if you just simply drift apart. Then there are the children...God doesn't it just rip my heart out to do this to my children! But, having weighed all the factors, I do believe I have made the best choice given the set of circumstances...each time.
So, please forgive me if I get really depressed, have a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day", or just don't feel like writing, reading, or commenting. I do love you all dearly, and thank God for the wonderful friendships forged through J-Land.
So...if you care to keep following along, if I don't bore you, if you are at all interested, send me a link so that I can include you as a "reader" because after this entry all will be private.
Love you all...
Ciao! De ;)
