Okay, so here is my first entry since I've gone private. Took me a while, I know. I get in my "hermit" mode (as I'm fond of saying) when the times get tough. I withdraw and hunker down, protect myself and my own.
It's been rough. I never thought I would be in this position again. When I married David I thought I had found my soulmate. Now I hate that very word. Don't think I'm made for marriage, 0 for 2, men are not on my radar (with the exception of Johnny Depp--right Betty?), I'm never getting married again, etc. I've been saying. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still believe in the foundation of marriage, but I certainly don't think I'm going to be competing with Liz Taylor to find "the right one". I think I'll just live my days with a "friend" like Jackie O...as long as he's rich. I've married for love twice, next time I'm with someone it's going to be for money, lol.
So, D-day was Oct 29th. It was a catastrophic event, that had it not happened, I would probably still be in an emotionally abusive marriage (and at times physical). I think I cursed every breath that David could possibly take from here to eternity and then some. Now I am thanking God I am out of this marriage. I can see daylight, breath the fresh air. I don't feel suffocated, closed in, confined, trapped, hopeless anymore. But I'm scared of what the future holds. I blame David for that one.
I've never been one to totally depend on another person to take care of me, so it really surprises me that I allowed David to have such control of me thatI would doubt myself and my ability to take care of my family. I work hard and I make pretty decent money. I can do this. I will do this!
So, as the song says, "woman how long will you weep?" Not long I say, not long at all!
11 comments:
Thankyou for inviting me to read your private journal .I know exactly how you feel ,mariage is a marvelous institution ,who who wants to be institutionalised ? I have ''lived ''with my partner for 7 years now and it is working ,Idont likw edding cake anyway ,I do love the Eagles ..love Jan xx
good to see you writing..thanks for the add
Lyn
De, thanks for the invite!! (I knew you would, LOL)
as Greg Laurie (popular pastor here in Southern California) says "never be afraid to put your unknown future in a known God" The Lord will be with you every step of the way. I've said this before and will say it again, "this did not catch the Lord by surprise" even before you met David, even before the beginning of time. Just trust in Him!
don't beat yourself up over it, either. Don't try to live/dwell on the past, but keep your eyes focused on the Lord and the future he has for you and your children
love you!!!!!
betty
Thanks for adding me. I would never do it again either if this one ever ends. It took me too long to train this one, LOL. Glad its getting easier for you and your right, you can do this.
Julie
oh sweetie, you need time to heal, thank you for adding me. Don't know if you remember, I am an RN too, and we are forced to be so strong at work, when we come home, some how we expect to be comforted and taken care of, no abused. I'll pray for you. Someday you will see that you made it through and he will only be a distant asshole you never deserved. Take comfort in that. Let your friends and family rally around you, and trust me I know, its not good to hole yourself up inside yourself----because if were only communing with ourself, sometimes were not really rational and tell ourselves things that aren't healthy if you know what I mean, and I think you do. There are people who love you and care for you, just remember that, don't let the beast you lived with define you. Hugs, Deb
Good for you... don't weep. Dry your eyes and look to the future!!! I am praying for you always. KNOW THAT!
be well,
Dawn
Thanks for the add :) You will do well in life :) I feel a kindred spirit with you :)
thanks for the invite:) re did the alerts
Deb
thanks for the invite... and yes you can do it... sending good thoughts
hugs
d
Oh hun! You are SO tough! You are like superwoman, you can do anything. I'm not worried, I KNOW you'll take care of everything, even if it makes ya a little nuts lol...
I'm sorry it happened, but I'm happy it did at the same time. Does that make sense?
Not to tell you to run get a man or anything, lol But my grandma was married six times between my dad's father leaving when dad was six, and her marrying my grandpa when dad was seventeen. I don't want you to give up, but I certainly understand why you say that lol...
"Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. So, que sera sera." What's meant to happen, will happen.
~Lily
Hey!
I'm so sorry that he abused you... come on!
that sucks big time!
What was he thinking!!!!!!!??!!!!
Anyhow girl friend I still think the bet is yet to come!
Hold on to how great you are and your sense of humor and those two great kiddoes!
Ilove ya
natalie
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